Monday, October 3, 2016

Truth be told

Should one write in hurt and anger?  After all writing is catharsis.  And when one feels unimportant and considered a second thought, why not?  Of course, my all so wise husband tells me to calm down.  Think about the implications of what you write, he tries to tell me; relationships you may lose.  So, I sit back and reconsider.  Can one lose what they never had in the first place?  Ok.  Time to re-evaluate what one had/has/will gain/will lose.  Here's the question.  If one has to make a pros, cons list for a relationship isn't that saying something?

So here I am, a few days later.  Didn't finish the post, thanks to Blogger app crashes on the new iPhone 7, but that's beside the point.  Am I still angry?  Am I still hurt?  Does any of the incidents of the past few days matter?  Should relationships be maintained?  I can actually think more clearly now.  I am not all emotional and feeling left out.  I think I'm ready to evaluate in a calm, adult manner.  Or close enough.  So here goes.

A few days ago, I was going to give up. Sort of quit on the friendship cold turkey.  Who cares?  Does the friend in question care?  That's the answer that really gets to me.  Yes and no.  I think she only cares because I have been convenient.  My friendship is all about her.  If I'm there, great.  If I'm not available, how dare I?  I should be at her beck and call?  If she's not available, how dare I not respect her schedule?  Ultimately it boils down to this.  Has she ever been available when it's not convenient for her?  When it's going out of the way for me?  If I had to look back, the sad answer is no.  So, maybe it's time to move her to the "fair weathered friend" category.  The funny thing is that I don't have fair weathered friends.  You are my friend or you are not.  If I delete someone from my life, if may not be obvious.  I'll maintain the social graces, but do not expect me to wake up at 3am and run a marathon for you.  My friend is just losing that aspect of my friendship.  The "I'll do anything for you anytime" aspect.

Sounds like I've made my decision.  It's a big decision.  And then I watch the episode of Sex in the City when Carrie breaks up with Aidan and shows up at Charolette's wedding.  Who was there for her?  Her friends.  How was I supposed to let someone out of my life who has actually been there for me when it counted and when I was truly hurting?  But, does one time mean it holds the friendship for eternity?  What would that say about the friendship bank account.  One big deposit.  Several and continual withdrawals.  The account will be drained.  So, I cannot rest my laurels on one or two fabulous acts.

Then I think.  Have I not made mistakes with friends?  Have I not taken withdrawals from this friendship bank account?  The thing about decisions in anger is that the emotion fuels a fire.  What fires are not destructive?  Then I go into the argument of how many times has it been where I or she has made a deposit or a withdrawal from the friendship account?  If I were to do the math, I would say that I feel that there has been large withdrawals particularly from her side.  Last week especially was an accidental realization of being pushed aside as not important.

The question really boils down to one's happiness and need.  I have always said that happiness is internal.  You cannot expect someone to make you happy.  How can I expect that from anyone then?  So what if people don't include me?  I should be happy doing what I do.  That's what life is about because one day when no one is there and I'm left to myself, that's all I'll have.  Myself to deal with and to be happy with.

What is important to one person may be trivial to another?  I may be making decisions on what I think is important but someone else may consider it trivial.  In this case, I think my biggest mistake is expectation.  If you expect from people, they will inevitably fail you.  No expectations, no problems.  I had already learned that concept or so I thought, but then suddenly when I felt like the back seat unimportant person and looked out the tiny window view at people who should be far less important than myself, being given a first class type importance, I have 2 choices.  Allow it to bother me.  Or move on accepting the reality that I will never be truly accepted for who I am.  After all, why would someone accept me?  I defy conventional wisdom and live my life the way I want.  I don't live according to a status quo.  Can be a scary proposition to some?  I could be considered unpredictable to those who want predictability.  If I cannot hold a status quo, what was I capable of doing and when?  Perhaps it's time for empathy.  If I were to look at myself from the other side, I guess, my insanity is something people put up with when they don't need to.  And my unpredictability has to be silenced for situations that require definite and predictable outcomes.

In a sense, I'm the Sheldon of the Big Bang Theory.  Not in smarts, but in behavior.  Perhaps I don't know when to shut up?  Perhaps I have no control?  No off switch?  Perhaps.  I don't know.  I have explosive verbal volcanoes that destroy everything in its path and nothing can be salvaged after that.  Does one want to take that chance?

I know this post is beyond cryptic but I'm trying to understand what the meaning of a friend is?  What is conventional meaning?  What is my meaning?  I think somewhere the mutual admiration and respect should be a part of it.  Mutual is the key word.  Also, if one has 10 friends, does one treat them equally?  Do I treat my best friends the same way I would treat close friends?  No.  My best friends would take priority above all.  However, if I noticed my best friend picking their close friends as a priority, what does that mean?  Do I move my best friend to a close friend category?  Unfortunately for me, relationships and friendships are an all or nothing type thing.  I cannot realize that a friend doesn't care as much as I do about her and then care a little less.  That's not me.  So, I just walk away. I misunderstood the closeness.

Funny thing.  I've had friends who have thought the world of me but I haven't felt the same way.  I don't know.  Maybe they weren't top of my list because they weren't interesting enough?  But when I found out, I returned their respect for me by adding them to my list of best friends.  Why?  Because this person valued me enough to give me the pedestal, I should rise to their expectations.

I am muttering through and while I have decided, I'm not making a coherent post about my thoughts. I think the past few days, I have been mulling a relationship in my mind.  Mulling my worth.  The answer is that I think I'm the required friend.  Like, I have to be nice to all my employees equally whether I like them equally or not.  Same thing.  I'm the least liked and while my friend will not admit or own up to it, I will.  I think I have watched my suggestions or thoughts be trod upon as inconvenient.  I think I have maintained the status quo for too long and maintained friendships for too long.

Perhaps my therapist was right.  She said I'll stay in a bad relationship for a long time.  Something about my personality.  I guess I try and try and try.  She also said that when I walk away, I walk away.  I am walking away.  Not in a very direct way but definitely in the category of unimportant.  I don't care.  So, now I can lie about everything and not have to give myself truly for some people cannot handle the truth.  I'm moving on to superficial friendship which I hate but it's fine.  Eventually, all my superficial friendships will die out.  I just won't take the effort.  I think I'm done analyzing this situation.  I think.  Why do I feel hurt though?  Why do the emotions still get me?  I think it's because somewhere I tried too hard or loved too much.  No bad decisions in life.  Just lessons.  This is mine.

Rant done.


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